Yesterday, we reported on Kurt Cobain’s ex-girlfriend Mary Lou Lord unloading on Courtney Love in a Facebook post. When went even more in-depth on a second post:
“I just wanted to thank you guys for being cool and tolerating my ranting
about CL over the last few days. Something did indeed spark it…but I’m trying to let it all go now. A lot of you (old friends), were right there with me in the middle of this black tornado’s thrust, and I know it effected you too. It was a very weird and sad time for so many of us. For those of you who were there, this is for you too. I know your feelings aren’t that far removed. And although we don’t see each other much these days, know I love you.
I know this is long, and boring….and yes, it is public. It’s just as public as the VERY public (in print, etc) , kick in the guts she gave me over an extended amount of time, and extended amount of threats. One, that has been a long time getting over, and one, that’s been a long time letting go of. Everyone should be able to have their day where they say exactly what they have wanted to say to someone who violated them. I’m most likely never gonna write a book, and if I suddenly croak, I want to finally have my say and my voice heard on this. Not hers. Mine.
I’ve mentioned things here and there, but out of respect for Kurt and Frances, I never fully publicized ALL my feelings on this subject. No kid should have to read shitty things said about their parents. Especially when they are unable to understand or formulate their own opinions. Also, in the past, when I did say a few things here and there, it was FOR Frances if she had ever read what Courtney herself said about me concerning Kurt. What Courtney said, was actually a put down to her own husband. Those of you who know what I am talking about will understand what I mean. I said it in defense OF Kurt. He was NOT that kind of a guy who would do that. I wanted Frances (if she had ever privately read it), to know that. -That was one of the other incredibly disturbing aspects of Courtney’s lies. How it was also a total defamation of Kurt’s character within the context of her lie, and her wording. Printed in Rolling Stone, just weeks after he had died, when SHE was on the cover. And of course, Hole’s Live Through This, was #1. And, for weeks after this, it was HER not ME who was bringing attention to any involvement I might have had with him. I felt like a dork. I NEVER brought it up in interviews. It was her who planted any of the fucked up attention it got to begin with. I just wanted to hide and cry.
In the past, I let (or, I thought I had), let it go. I guess that for some reason there was still a part that I hadn’t let go of. Anger is shitty. Anger over something that happened 22 years ago. It might have something to do with these movies coming out, and having to partially re-live a feeling that never really went away. Or, was dormant. Seeing her or even hearing about her, kind of jolts me into anger. Why now? I dunno. Why do some people who got violated by priests, or hurt decades prior suddenly have the need to come forth and tell their story? I was absolutely emotionally violated by her, and it hurt me more than anyone will ever know. The defamation, the lies, and the spin off of that. Having to deal over the years with fans of hers who hated me for something that was not true to begin with. They clung on her every word, every move. Also, I was petrified of her. I feared for my life. There was no way to fight back-she was too powerful and no one would have believed me(trying to fight her lies), nor, would they have given a shit. I was a no-one. I still am pretty much a no one in comparison with her, but I am much more fearless now. I suppose, in a way, it’s similar to how years later when people are grown up, and if they were abused, and had to remain silent, they finally confront a pedophile priest or abusive person that is now old, and elderly, and broken. To finally confront a person who scared the living shit out of them, as well as abused them either emotionally, or physically. It IS a relief. It really is. I don’t look at her with pity really, (she is more beautiful than ever, and seems happy, etc)….But I feel like I can finally speak out because I am not alone any longer. People don’t believe her. I am not alone.
I just feel kind of sick whenever I see her in the press, or whatever. It’s just so gross…Doing nothing. Just being rich and “better now”…..Has she ever done one thing that was out of the kindness of her heart, or charity, or anything other than promote herself? I know she’s all for “chicks should rock”…..yea, well no shit….But dam, she could have done SO MUCH MORE with the power she had. She did nothing in any kind of humanitarian gesture. I am not saying that she is not talented, a great actress, funny, crazy smart, well versed, profound, and all the rest. Of course she is. But, she (way inside) is very, very sick. And it borders on an evil sickness that people with real feelings and an ability to feel BAD or sad have, and she, does not. She just runs on total mind, and power. But NOT heart or soul. You can hear nothing in her voice. Not even her scream. It is void.
I have a certain rage, and it’s now coming out. I’m not jealous at all of her though (ironically), omg, how could you be? she is SO loathed and hated. The karmic kick back with that woman is insane. I don’t feel at all sorry for her either. (How the fuck could you)? ….Back in the day, She had ALL the power. But she is not taken seriously now. People for the most part, know more about her. Even the young women and men who were her biggest fans. Many of them turned against her once they knew more about her. They grew up. She had a field day back when the internet was new and all the lies she would spread about me. She told people I killed her cat. She told stories upon stories on the internet (that old AOL Hole folder)…. (DOCUMENTED and downloaded to prove she did), countless grotesque lies that I could NOT stop her from spreading. I was not only was in fear of her, I was in fear of her fans. Countless times I would come out from a club, or the subway, and my car windshield would have been written on with lipstick “you suck”, or “fuck you” signed “Courtney. People would come up to me and say the most rotten things to me. Not even knowing me- All Courtney fans that were brainwashed by her or something……Then, the obvious forged fax, and the shit she said about me in Rolling Stone-The one where she was on the cover! Then, every time I looked on mtv etc….there she was. With people fawning and falling all over her. “The Princess” rock star. And all the while I KNEW how horrible she was as a person. She violated my integrity, she violated my life, she even left death threats to ME as well as my elderly parents on their answering machine causing a lot of stress and weird fear within our family. It was INSANE. Like having a gangster threaten you. Whitey Bulger or something. It was partially amusing because it was so nuts, but in the back of our minds, we were questioning “is she for real”. Will someone light our home on fire? etc etc…. In any case, made it hard to sleep at night. My parents were old and lovely, and didn’t deserve that. I felt like I had brought that pox with me -again, but not having ever done a single thing to deserve that…. I lived with my parents at the time….awful for them to have had to deal with that.
If she was just some random chick that was going around on her facebook or my space or something saying shit about another chick- that is one thing. But she was one of the biggest pop stars in the world at the time, and everyone loved her-the “grieving widow”, etc etc….so, the dynamic and the impact is a lot greater regarding the emotional toll , the incredible sadness, fear, and feeling of absolute powerlessness she made me feel. Knowing millions of people were reading her interviews, etc, and all the rotten things she was saying about me. All untrue. I was just a small town nobody busker who loved songs and friends, etc….and suddenly (very publicly), I was a fictional character she made up. She made me feel like a frightened child after she emotionally abused and violated me. She threatened me, she punched me, kicked me, chased me, and nearly had me killed that night on Sunset. And then, it continued until Kathleen and others got the guts to press charges when similar assaults happened to them. I should have pressed charges long ago. But I was too scared and didn’t want to bring any attention to it. I just wanted her to leave me alone. So, I carried this around with me for a very long time. I want to let it go, and I am letting it go now. I am letting it go publicly, just like she tore me apart with her lies publicly. I don’t know what could make a person be so cruel. I don’t understand that kind of person or that kind of thinking. Anyway, thank you for listening. And again, some of you have asked me about the Cobain “case” etc, and what I think about it, etc…..I don’t really have much to say about it. It’s not my place to say anything. I have no idea what happened. All I know is that they were two very sick people at the time. Sometimes I wonder if her particular kind of sickness was just plain dark sociopaths narcissism. Or, if there is such a thing as evil. And him, just a guy that loved music and wanted a family, and loved his daughter, but maybe couldn’t take it any more.
Anyway, thank you for reading (whoever you are), and I’m sorry this is long and self indulgent or whatever. It’s weird because I’m talking about people that you guys actually are aware of. I’m not saying things like….”in the past my ex Bob was a real prick”. I am talking about two of the most known people in the world….This was also very difficult for me because it wasn’t something easily forgettable when it’s either her face or his face on mtv or a t shirt or whatever, or when your daughter is a 17 year old Nirvana fan with curious questions that any kid would have……..It takes a lot to let it go. Thank you all for giving me some place to put these feelings that have haunted me from the past. I’ve needed some kind of validation for so long. Not just a “Oh, not this fucking story again” . I know how lucky I am and how lucky I have been to have even had the chance to be friends with some of the wonderful people I’ve been friends with.
It’s also tough, and weird, and weird in that shortly after Kurt died, I met Elliott. He never judged me, and he provided a sense relief and understanding to me, and he understood. He made the loss a lot easier to take, and move on from. (Sorry, I know I am drifting here, but on top of the “Justice for K” and “Justice for E”….I get a LOT of messages from fans and people who are looking to me to provide answers, or something, and it mixes in, and is so fucking weird and sad to me)……anyway, then, he too, Elliott was gone. This was (as you can imagine), very, very hard. It was beyond comprehension. But he gave me a home for my feelings, and we shared a lot of them. He was like a little brother to me. .(you know what I mean you guys?) ugh. It’s been a lot. And hard to “just forget”, when the music is just as relevant today, and in my ears and heart as it was then. And it’s not even like I seek it out. I just hear it. Under my floor boards, my daughter’s friends . It was some of the best music ever made, and I was kind of in the middle of all of that stuff. More so of course with Elliott, but jesus, it’s been weird and hard. ….It’s hard to move away from it. Songs are different than pictures. They are invisible like ghosts, and always there. Impossible to “move on” you just have to “move different”. ugh….
And I know I am lucky with having the beautiful friends I have and of course, my daughter. I don’t want to keep reliving this. It was an incredibly difficult time in my life. When he died, we were all shattered. It was a hard time for us all.
Anyway, to finally wrap this up, I just want Frances to know that her father was one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.
I hope we all find peace (anyone who cares about this case, or Kurt, or even Courtney), and retain a certain amount of empathy , respect, and understanding towards one another. I would say forgiveness, but that one is too hard when it comes to her….
It’s also important that no matter what our differences are on any of the matters that relate to this, that we all can try our best to be real, to be tolerant, and kind. No one should ever live in the shadow of fear or have their voice or their story squelched or be made to feel outcast, or worse, like a liar. (Whatever situation it might be)…. It’s taken 22 years for me to get up the guts to just tell it all like this. I’m not trying to draw attention to myself (I don’t care about that….I love songs, you know that)…..I am simply bringing this massive chapter to a final close and letting this ghost free-for me, and for the others who were victimized and traumatized by this person who never deserved, nor should have had that kind of power. She did not deserve a person as kind and sensitive as he was, or the love that he most likely desperately tried to give her, in the hopes of getting love back. …All he wanted was a family, and a place to belong. ..Isn’t that what we all want? ..Thank you, and again, sorry this is so long. Ugh. I know, I know. xo